All of it He paid.

As I started to write this I was going to tell you that I am trying to go back to where I used to be... I am trying to go back to church, trying to go back to my God, but the more I think about the more I realize I don't want to go backwards. I want to go forwards. I want something new, something fresh, not something old. I don't want to go backwards because that will get me to exactly where I am now. I want to go forward to new things, new experiences, a new relationship with God. However, just like its hard to go backwards sometimes its just as hard to go forewards.

I am trying to go to church, but its hard for me. I've spent the last couple years of my life having this battle inside myself - knowing I should go to church, but not being able to get past all the emotions that seem to hit me in the face when I walk in the door. I've felt like everyone in church can see my sin and that just makes me want to jump into a very dark hole and never resurface. I know its silly and untrue. God tells me that.... He tells me when I'm there, "This is the place you can be broken. It's safe here." Yet, no matter how much He speaks to me, no matter His words I throw this wall up and beg Him not to break me there, beg Him to do it anywhere else like the loneliness of my own room where no one but Him and I are. But for some reason that doesn't seem to be where He wants it to happen because I never break the way He wants me to break when I'm in church. So, every Sunday there is a battle - do I go to church and possibly break or do I stay where no one can see? Yesterday I made myself go and it was good because I did hear God. He spoke to me and told me things I really needed to hear and also gave me questions I really need to think deeply about.

As we were singing the song In Christ Alone, God spoke to me through certain lyrics. There is part of the song that says "Til on that cross as Jesus died, the wrath of God was satisfied." As I sang those words I had a thought cross my mind....now, maybe it was God speaking directly to my heart or maybe it was just a realization, but it was as if God was saying, "Daughter, I'm not mad at you." Sometimes, I don't realize I've felt a certain way until I have a certain experience, or hear a certain word and when I sang those words...when I sang, "the wrath of God was satisfied" I realized that deep down in my heart I thought God was mad at me. I know it doesn't make any sense because I know my God isn't an angry God, but a loving, compassionate, giving God... yet, I'd been living as if He wasn't. I've been living as if He is a God who hates me, who doesn't care, who doesn't give, but takes away. I know that this may not always been seen by people outside myself, but the closer I look at my heart the more I realize maybe this really is true. God is forgiving, but I am not. He has told me time and time again that He has forgiven me, yet I don't forgive myself... I still hold onto my past, I still hold onto old sins that God has washed clean.

As I was sitting in church I was thinking about how Jesus paid it all by dying on the cross... He paid my debt, which is bigger than any debt I could ever have. He has forgiven each and every sin I have asked Him to forgive and He will continue to do so. That is His promise. Yet, I don't forgive.... I don't let go... I hold on and beat myself up over and over again...I tear myself down. That's not what God wants. He wants me to forgive. To Love myself. To move on as if I am forgiven. It's like when I have some other debt... when I owe someone money... once I pay it, I forget about it and move on, no longer worrying. Well, that's what Jesus dying on the cross has done for me. His dying paid my debt fully and I should no longer worry or carry it around.

He paid it all - it is done and now I need to live like it.
Are you living like it?